Assets

Sometimes I’m a sexist pig. And by sometimes, I secretly mean all the time. I’ll stare at you if you’re super hawt. I gawk and drool openly at Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael Vartan. Melissa, Harmony, BurgerMouth and myself even have a game called Ass Factor. (Recent runner-ups include Alexander Skarsgard, that one God-of-a-waiter from Florence, and Jason Stackhouse.)

Lets not even get into the attractiveness of Mark Wahlberg or Murphy and Connor from Boondock Saints. (BOONDOCK SAINTS!!!)

It was on the 6:33 a.m. bus that I was watching this super cute guy text on his phone. (Creepy? Not really, I was half asleep and he happened to be in my drowsy eye line.) The cutie drops his phone while getting off the bus and all of a sudden his HUGE ass crack is LOOMING out at me.

And I throw up.

Not really. Two thoughts zip through my mind. One is ‘Pull up your fucking pants you retard we’re in Seattle not Detroit’ and the other is ‘OMG. His ass crack goes up to his fucking waist!’

(No joke, it really did.)

Which got me thinking about ass cracks. (This will all make sense in a second I promise.) There was this girl in high school named Christine (that wasn’t really her name but for the sake of protecting her image lets call her Christine.) who bent over once and her low-rise jeans slipped halfway down her ass. And she didn’t have one. An ass crack I mean. I witnessed this with another close friend and we gawked. Not a crack to be seen. I didn’t get along with Christine so this led me to believe she really was a mindless cyborg sent to destroy my life.

Although now that I’m further educated I realize that she’s not a cyborg (Sorry Christine!) but part of the Cybermen.

Which got me thinking about how weird our body is. Toes for example. How you ever really looked at your toes? Flex them. Crunch them in. They move SO strangely. They look aquatic and alien. Extend your middle toe. Doesn’t that just freak you out a little bit? It looks like it has a life of its own.

Knees too (any joints really) are weird as all hell. The way the skin stretches across the bone when you extend your leg. The way it looks like a huge bump when it’s bent and you can fell each knob and crevice when you put your leg straight. Knees are so strange.

And don’t even get me started on boobs.

Humans are like aliens. Which got me thinking that to animals and other life forms in different planetary universes, we, humans, are the aliens. Which is a fucking freaky thought to have at 7:15 a.m. in the morning while attempting to serve people overpriced coffee. 

This rant was brought to you by HarkHucks causing Rachel’s brain to rant more than normal in the a.m. since September 2011.